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felicitykingI think I can officially say "A Princess for Christmas" is hands down, the worst anything I've watched this year. It wasn't even bad in a fun to watch way. It was just bad!
Of course, it features all the requisite Hallmark stereotype and cliches:
~Single girl working at an independent shop (antiques--usually it's flowers though)
~orphaned children
~a frosty, unfeeling Duke with a single son!
~a snotty fashionable bitch Single Son is dating
~frumpy fashion that our good girl heroine will be wearing
~obligation prayer for better things
~a giant-ass Christmas tree
~servants who secretly do good
I can't figure out how Katie McGrath convinced the casting directors to cast her as a American. Cause she's not. And it's an American-produced production. But somehow she did. I don't watch Merlin but I'm getting ready to, so she was my main draw to watch this. God only knows why Roger Moore is here. Although I suppose every great actor has to have a stupid, superbly cheesy Christmas under their belts these days (because apparently you can't just retire graciously and leave us with memories of your golden days. You have to eak out every last bit of acting you have....even it it means starring in third rate TV productions you have no business being in. Even Kate the Great Hepburn is guilty of this.)
Were it not for Rick Perry reminding me via his imfamous ad that portions of America really do think like this, I would wondering what the hell is wrong with the Hallmark channel. But in their universe, people of colour don't exist. All kids need are a dad and single woman a husband. This movie hit both. I was hoping the Brits in this would have the sense to bring a sense of irony, or wit, or some "we KNOW this is sexist, classist bullshit" to their interpretation, but everybody was quite serious.
Anyway, Katie plays an American antique dealer/fixer who loses her job a few weeks before Christmas. She is also raising her late sister's kids. Apparently the sister and her husband died the year before. Tragically and mysteriously (it's never explained). But luckily the Butler has come to rescue her! He says the Duke who disowned the brother for marrying beneath him has changed his mind and wants to reconnect with the kids.
Oh, and the kids! Who writes these movies? If you steal like the son did, you land in jail or get fined. Returning a dvd doesn't get you out of trouble. And the too precious girl who makes a mess and throws the dirty clothes in the washer leading to a epic disaster. Of course, our plucky heroine doesn't PUNISH them. AT ALL. Oh, she lamely grounds the son but she's all like "I know you miss your parents but we all love each other and if we give each other hugs, we'll all be better." Smush.
Anyway, they end up over at Duke's house. Which leads to the only great lines in the movie "This is a nightmare! You're not allowed to break anything!" (heroine to kids when they exclaim how how awesomely huge the house is.) Which was funny but also says so much about her parenting. (Which we've already seen: of course they are allowed to ruin her house and she gets mad but then goes gooey).
The maids are outside wearing tiara-like bonnets. Cutesy unpacking scene. Then dinner. Of course, our Americans are not only late but rude. And then we find out Bachelor Son isn't the Dead Favorite Son. Also, Frosty Duke Grandpa may have invited the American for Christmas but they're not celebrating Christmas.
Our plucky heroine doesn't care. She goes out and buys a Christmas tree anyway. Oh, and even though it's 2012, the villiage looks like a Norman Rockwell painting complete with an orphan choir and kids playing games in the street. Son gets hit with a ball and gets in a fight.
They come home and we finally meet Flawless Bitch Fiancee. I'm glad Charlotte Salt is still getting work, but seriously! She was the one saving grace of this movie. At least she knew how to camp it up. Even though we're told she's an old money duchess, she acts like a Kardashian in everything she says and does. "Lookie at this old china handpainted by an Important Antique Painter." "My brand new leather purse just got ruined!!!!!!!!" And oh, she doesn't like that "ghetto music" (our plucky heroine introduces Bachelor to rock. Flawless Bitch Financee catches them dancing.) (Hey Hallmark! Even Princes William and Harry listen to chart music!)
But back to our plucky heroine who reminds us she has rude table manners yet again. When barely introduced to Single Son Bachelor's friends, she jumps up and snatches all the sandwiches and runs out the room to decorate the tree when the servant shows her the box. And, apparently, even though our heroine knows all about antiques, she's never had crudites in any form before, because she in AWE and SHOCK that sandwiches could cut in such artsy bites for all.
Tree decorating finally unfrosts Duke Grampa. He even decides to throw a ball!
Some more shit happens and I don't remember it. But the stealing son is finally cured of his ways by petting shetland ponies. Oh, and Bachelor teaches him arching and stealing son has a Daddy figure! (Because you know, all a kid needs is a Dad to cure of all his missing-his-dead-parents-problems).
The ball happens and our plucky heroine decides to pull a Julie Andrews Sound of Music sneaking away scene. Now, she has spent parts of this movie going on an on about how she was going to celebrate Christmas there with the kids cause they were entitled to it (never mind that England probably has its own slightly different Xmas traditions....she made sure it Christmas in the Mansion was entirely American in its output) blah blah blah. Now, because she thinks she wasn't invited to the ball (ironically the critique she misheard was ENTIRELY appropriate for her character. Plucky heroine is loud and crass. But movie has no sense of irony. So...) she decides she has to head back to America. Right. Now. To find a job. Oh, and her gown was destroyed by the staff by accident, so she has nothing to wear. (It wasn't really a gown, just a cocktail dress.)
Fortunately the staff save the day. Since this HALLMARK and they think it's still the 1950s, no shops were open but somehow they got a new (prom looking cast off) gown from flown in from Vienna! They stop her at the railroad station! She comes back just in time as Bachelor Son breaks it off with Flawless Bitch Financee. And why aren't they perfect for each other? He likes shrimp and she likes salmon (never mind they could have had BOTH as butler himself says when asking for "none, one, both" food questions.) And our plucky heroine likes shrimp so of course she's perfect for Bachelor Single Son.
Which brings up so the semi-incestuous happy ending. She is the aunt of the kids. He is the kid's uncle through his brother's side. (His brother married her sister.) Hallmark acts likes it's the 1950s, but treats marriage likes it's the 1850s and so our semi-related clan gets more related! The End!
I look forward to blogging about the sexist, racist, classist shit Hallmark will produce next year.
Of course, it features all the requisite Hallmark stereotype and cliches:
~Single girl working at an independent shop (antiques--usually it's flowers though)
~orphaned children
~a frosty, unfeeling Duke with a single son!
~a snotty fashionable bitch Single Son is dating
~frumpy fashion that our good girl heroine will be wearing
~obligation prayer for better things
~a giant-ass Christmas tree
~servants who secretly do good
I can't figure out how Katie McGrath convinced the casting directors to cast her as a American. Cause she's not. And it's an American-produced production. But somehow she did. I don't watch Merlin but I'm getting ready to, so she was my main draw to watch this. God only knows why Roger Moore is here. Although I suppose every great actor has to have a stupid, superbly cheesy Christmas under their belts these days (because apparently you can't just retire graciously and leave us with memories of your golden days. You have to eak out every last bit of acting you have....even it it means starring in third rate TV productions you have no business being in. Even Kate the Great Hepburn is guilty of this.)
Were it not for Rick Perry reminding me via his imfamous ad that portions of America really do think like this, I would wondering what the hell is wrong with the Hallmark channel. But in their universe, people of colour don't exist. All kids need are a dad and single woman a husband. This movie hit both. I was hoping the Brits in this would have the sense to bring a sense of irony, or wit, or some "we KNOW this is sexist, classist bullshit" to their interpretation, but everybody was quite serious.
Anyway, Katie plays an American antique dealer/fixer who loses her job a few weeks before Christmas. She is also raising her late sister's kids. Apparently the sister and her husband died the year before. Tragically and mysteriously (it's never explained). But luckily the Butler has come to rescue her! He says the Duke who disowned the brother for marrying beneath him has changed his mind and wants to reconnect with the kids.
Oh, and the kids! Who writes these movies? If you steal like the son did, you land in jail or get fined. Returning a dvd doesn't get you out of trouble. And the too precious girl who makes a mess and throws the dirty clothes in the washer leading to a epic disaster. Of course, our plucky heroine doesn't PUNISH them. AT ALL. Oh, she lamely grounds the son but she's all like "I know you miss your parents but we all love each other and if we give each other hugs, we'll all be better." Smush.
Anyway, they end up over at Duke's house. Which leads to the only great lines in the movie "This is a nightmare! You're not allowed to break anything!" (heroine to kids when they exclaim how how awesomely huge the house is.) Which was funny but also says so much about her parenting. (Which we've already seen: of course they are allowed to ruin her house and she gets mad but then goes gooey).
The maids are outside wearing tiara-like bonnets. Cutesy unpacking scene. Then dinner. Of course, our Americans are not only late but rude. And then we find out Bachelor Son isn't the Dead Favorite Son. Also, Frosty Duke Grandpa may have invited the American for Christmas but they're not celebrating Christmas.
Our plucky heroine doesn't care. She goes out and buys a Christmas tree anyway. Oh, and even though it's 2012, the villiage looks like a Norman Rockwell painting complete with an orphan choir and kids playing games in the street. Son gets hit with a ball and gets in a fight.
They come home and we finally meet Flawless Bitch Fiancee. I'm glad Charlotte Salt is still getting work, but seriously! She was the one saving grace of this movie. At least she knew how to camp it up. Even though we're told she's an old money duchess, she acts like a Kardashian in everything she says and does. "Lookie at this old china handpainted by an Important Antique Painter." "My brand new leather purse just got ruined!!!!!!!!" And oh, she doesn't like that "ghetto music" (our plucky heroine introduces Bachelor to rock. Flawless Bitch Financee catches them dancing.) (Hey Hallmark! Even Princes William and Harry listen to chart music!)
But back to our plucky heroine who reminds us she has rude table manners yet again. When barely introduced to Single Son Bachelor's friends, she jumps up and snatches all the sandwiches and runs out the room to decorate the tree when the servant shows her the box. And, apparently, even though our heroine knows all about antiques, she's never had crudites in any form before, because she in AWE and SHOCK that sandwiches could cut in such artsy bites for all.
Tree decorating finally unfrosts Duke Grampa. He even decides to throw a ball!
Some more shit happens and I don't remember it. But the stealing son is finally cured of his ways by petting shetland ponies. Oh, and Bachelor teaches him arching and stealing son has a Daddy figure! (Because you know, all a kid needs is a Dad to cure of all his missing-his-dead-parents-problems).
The ball happens and our plucky heroine decides to pull a Julie Andrews Sound of Music sneaking away scene. Now, she has spent parts of this movie going on an on about how she was going to celebrate Christmas there with the kids cause they were entitled to it (never mind that England probably has its own slightly different Xmas traditions....she made sure it Christmas in the Mansion was entirely American in its output) blah blah blah. Now, because she thinks she wasn't invited to the ball (ironically the critique she misheard was ENTIRELY appropriate for her character. Plucky heroine is loud and crass. But movie has no sense of irony. So...) she decides she has to head back to America. Right. Now. To find a job. Oh, and her gown was destroyed by the staff by accident, so she has nothing to wear. (It wasn't really a gown, just a cocktail dress.)
Fortunately the staff save the day. Since this HALLMARK and they think it's still the 1950s, no shops were open but somehow they got a new (prom looking cast off) gown from flown in from Vienna! They stop her at the railroad station! She comes back just in time as Bachelor Son breaks it off with Flawless Bitch Financee. And why aren't they perfect for each other? He likes shrimp and she likes salmon (never mind they could have had BOTH as butler himself says when asking for "none, one, both" food questions.) And our plucky heroine likes shrimp so of course she's perfect for Bachelor Single Son.
Which brings up so the semi-incestuous happy ending. She is the aunt of the kids. He is the kid's uncle through his brother's side. (His brother married her sister.) Hallmark acts likes it's the 1950s, but treats marriage likes it's the 1850s and so our semi-related clan gets more related! The End!
I look forward to blogging about the sexist, racist, classist shit Hallmark will produce next year.
